[thechat] Attempt at humour

Erika Meyer emeyer at lclark.edu
Thu Aug 16 19:48:01 CDT 2001

from Kev:

>It is something a former IT guy sent me, and it made me laugh.

okay, here's another POV, from the Communications Dept to the "IT guys":

>3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.

3. When you say you're coming right over, wait a few days first.  It 
makes us appreciate you more.

>4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
>from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
>because your computer won't power on at all.

4. Don't worry about honing your communication skills.  We should 
figure out how to communicate with YOU.

>5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
>once. We're just testing.

5. Don't worry about answering your phone or even answering the door. 
If we want to communicate with you, we can damn well use email... or 
come find you.

>6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
>your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

6. See #3, #4, and #5.

>7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
>it as a rush delivery.

7. Be sure to make fun of anyone who is uncomfortable or awkward with 
new technology.

>8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
>electronics in it.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, bash with a baseball bat.  -- 
oh wait... that's just my fantasy.

>9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
>support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

9. Don't call the phone company either, because their customer 
service reps are more clueless than IT support.  First try checking 
your voice mail...

>10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
>support. We're collectors.

10. Don't worry about researching the environmental impacts of the 
tools you use and support, and discovering ways to reuse and recycle 
them.  You would be wasting valuable brain power which could be 
better spent figuring out how to slaughter your on-line gaming 

>11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's
>chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We
>love a puzzle.

11. Um.  No comeback.  They expect me to be a mind-reader, too.

>12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
>in them, argue. We love a good argument.

12. #4, #7

>13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
>scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
>That motivates us.

13. If you want us to come over sometime this century, you must 
pucker up and kiss our asses.  We'll still take our sweet time, but 
you can kiss our ass anyway.

If you really really REALLY need us, you'll have to catch us having 
lunch at our desk.

>14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
>jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

14. See #7.

>15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
>68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

15. heh.

>16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
>you mean by "my thingy blew up".

16. See #4 and #7.

>17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

17.  If you develop content for online help, make sure it is as 
difficult as possible to navigate.  To ensure proper level of 
difficulty, hire an IT guy (or better yet, a Microsoft engineer) to 
write content design the front end.

>18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
>lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
>to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.


>19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
>upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
>crumbs and nail clippings in them.


>20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
>as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
>would you?

20. That's right.  & my Mac has enough respect not to pop-up that stupid alert.

>21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
>the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
>money to speak of anyway.

21. #5

>22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
>computer rubbish." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
>expertise referred to as rubbish.

22. & I don't mind being told that your skills must be superior to 
mine, because you make more money than I do.

>23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
>Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
>Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
>engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

#4, #7.

>24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT

24.  Or call the Communications Department... or any random number.

>26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
>call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
>party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

26. ...or better yet, have your secretary call my supervisor!

>27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
>attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

27.  When I send you an early note about the Sir Cam worm, it isn't 
because I am worried about my Macintosh getting infected, duh.  It's 
because I know that all the Windows/Outlook users are going to open 
it, get infected and be calling YOU.  Yet you would rather reassure 
me that everything is alright and ignore it ...until everyone starts 
getting infected.

And oh yeah... don't have any kind of policy about communicating to 
people about these kinds of things.

>28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
>Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

I'm going to stop referencing #7 now.

>29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of
>computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
>take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us
>up no end.

29.  Okay, that is pretty dumb.

>31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask
>a computer question. We do weekends.

31. Is there something hard about saying, "I don't know, but call me 
on Monday and we'll talk."?  And oh yeah, #4.

>32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
>Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

32. My computer has a name?

>33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
>the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere

33. Get a Mac!!!!

>Thanks, IT Support


Communications Department.


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